Updated: Monday 16 February 2008, 17:36.

Welcome to my newest online diary. If you are new, please take the time to read this welcome. I ask all visitors to please observe the "commenting etiquette". The latest post appears straight after this one.

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Hmmm... is a TV meant to:

1. Start to come off stand-by,
2. Make a loud "POP!" sound,
3. Return to stand-by?

Still it is working again now, is rather old, and I did buy a new one a year ago when this old one started getting temperamental!

Bless.

There seems to be a lack of communication between the Post Office "provisioning" team and sales over setting up my home phone and broadband service. And between them and BT. If I didn't need to save money, I wouldn't be trying this. Still how hard can this be...:

1. Now.

Phone calls: Route through Company A.
Line rental: Is with BT.
Broadband: Is with Company B.

2. To change to.

Phone calls: The Post Office.
Line rental: The Post Office.
Broadband: The Post Office?

Of course, BT could make things awkward, since they're losing the line rental. Not that a large, responsible, established company like BT would do that. Would they...?!

Of course not!

"I think we may have made a mistake leaving the Shire, Pippin."

Yesterday I saw my consultant again about the frequent, bad head and neck pains I get. These happen because of problems with my neck and shoulder muscles.

He explained yesterday that I have a lot of scar tissue from where the body has tried and failed to repair itself. That's why my neck "crunches" when I move it. The problem is: they've always done that! As long as I can remember, they've done this. Does this mean that I and my GPs (doctors) missed this? He's going to suggest to my GP I try another preventative.

How can a bad problem like this creep up without my noticing it?

For those who haven't already heard, the author Arthur C. Clarke has died at the age of 90: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/7304004.stm

Famous for many things including predicting the communications satellite and penning 2001 and sequels, I have a small "claim to fame". In 2000 I won a copy of his book "Greetings Carbon-Based Bipeds!" as the prize for winning British MENSA's Millennium Writing competition. (The ironic anecdotal story being that I mis-spelt "bipeds" and "bipods" which my spell-checker and the publisher all missed! So my article title read "Goodbye Carbon-Based Bipods!" when published.)

May he rest in peace.

The Post Office do a Homephone and Broadband service with no BT line rental, all for £21.95 per month. This will save a few pennies, though if I had Sky I wouldn't be able to transfer (you need a BT line, apparently).

But it's in the nature that technology + people = chaos, so I expect a few problems transferring over.

In the event that I lose Internet connection, I'll try to update on this blog from a PC in my local library!!

In the meantime, to transfer I had to:
1. Phone the Post Office number (obviously),
2. Phone my current broadband provider, who said e-mail them for a "Migration Authorisation Code", so I had to...
3. E-mail my current broadband provider, who said the MAC may take up to 24 hours to provide,
4. Phone the non-BT company who my calls automatically route through, who said "phone BT", so I had to...
5. Phone BT to ask them to route calls back through them. The 17 minutes "I'm sorry, all our operators are busy" wait reminded me why I left them in the first place! The re-routing will take 10 working days.

Once I have the MAC code I can then call the Post Office again, to let them know that:
1. The MAC code to transfer broadband, and
2. That call re-routing to BT will take 10 working days.

And no doubt despite the "30 day contract" advertised on my current broadband provider's web site, somewhere in the (very long) small print will be a cancellation charge and a possible charge for the el-cheapo modem they provided... Watch this space!

But, given I will have 5Gb allowance on Broadband and free evening and weekend calls, 3p per min daytime calls and international calls mostly at 5p per minute... I should save a few pennies:-

1. Broadband: £14.99 + (£1 per 1Gb @ 5Gb = £5) = £19.99 if I used all 5Gb,
2. BT line rental: £11ish,

= £25.99 per month if I used < 1Gb, or
= £30.99 per month if I used all 5Gb.

Making a saving of between £4.04 and £9.04 per month before calls!

We'll see whether the savings are worth any hassle... Or should that be whether the hassle is worth any savings?...

So I phoned the Benefits Delivery Centre. Recording the phone call of course.

The lady listened to my explanation at how a simple clerical error had meant I've been underpaid by over £200. I explained that I'd queried the payments, and that a self-contradictory letter had arrived. Which was also contradictory of the original what-I'd-get-paid letter. Then I said that I'd sent a letter in reply, showing how they'd underpaid me, had no reply so sent a reminder letter... to which they also hadn't replied.

"There's no record of your later letters on my system."

"I sent them by recorded delivery and have proof they arrived."

"Oh. I'd better send this to admin so they can find your documents. They have to reply within three hours. [It's now 3pm] So if they don't reply today [by 5pm], they'll have to call you first thing tomorrow [by 10 am]."

Did I get a call? Of course not!

I went to CAB, who helpfully said they'd write a letter on their letterhead. There's no time limit on requests to correct clerical errors, so they can't use the "we didn't receive any letters" as an excuse anyway. I have to say his letter was a beautiful example of precise.

Meanwhile, I chatted with two others in the waiting room. Both of them were having similar problems with the BDC accusing them of not sending information - or in one's case, of her doctor doing so!

That's five out of five people I've spoken to on either Incapacity or Disability benefits having these kinds of problems.

Are there any other benefit claimants out there who are having problems getting responses from your local Benefits Delivery Centre (Jobcentre Plus); or where they've said you never sent in claims or otherwise?

I saw the chap at the Citizens' Advice Bureau. Needless to say, the figures are all correct. I asked him, "I've got savings I can partly live off. How on Earth does anyone who doesn't have savings manage on this money?"

His reply? "Most of them don't."

Most people on Incapacity Benefit (in my local CAB area at least) don't manage on it. I say, let Dave take charge.

Dave was my manager. He was always talking about how he met this celebrity or that politician. One day I decided to challenge him.

"Tom Cruise is a friend of mine." Said Dave.

"Oh, come on! Pull the other one, Dave." I said.

"No really. Look. I'm travelling to Los Angeles next week, come with me as my assistant and I'll introduce you."

So we went to Los Angeles, and were whisked off to Tom Cruise's home. When he opened the door, he embraced Dave like an old friend.

"Alright. So you know Tom Cruise." Said I. "But that's one celebrity, Dave."

"I know Arnold Schwarzenneger too. He lives just down the road, let's go see him."

We did. Same result. On opening the door, Arnie embraced Dave like an old friend. Though in a more manly way than Tom, you understand.

"OK, I'm getting mildly impressed." I said. "But that's still only two celebrities."

"I know the Pope."

"No. That's going too far, Dave."

"Look. I'm travelling to Rome next week, come with me as my assistant and I'll introduce you."

So we went to Rome. The Pope was giving an address in St. Peter's Square, so we stopped to watch. Then Dave disappeared in the crowd. A few minutes later, he appeared next to the Pope. The Pope embraced Dave like an old friend. But that wasn't what did it for me. It was this:

The man next to me turned to me and asked, "Who's that man standing next to Dave?"

--

Old joke. But Dave gets around. I watched The Sky at Night last night. At one point they looked back on the landing of Apollo 11 on the Moon. I had subtitles on since I was eating, and couldn't hear clearly with my crunching. Now, as I recall, the Moon landing dialogue went like this:

"Er, Houston, Tranquility Base here. The Eagle has landed."

In what is one of the funniest bloopers I have read on subtitling yet, the subtitle read:

"Er, ... Dave here. The Eagle has landed."

--

Then there's the line in Star Wars II: Attack of the Clones.

When Obi-wan Kenobe reports finding the bounty hunter on Kamino, I heard:

"R2. Scramble code 5 to Coruscant, care of the Old Folk's home."

Which clearly couldn't be right, could it? So I rewound the, um, DVD and put subtitles on...

...sure enough that's what the subtitles read!!

No Dave though.

I'm one of the threats to national security, white male, nonparental, British trash on Incapacity Benefit. The fact that I want to work but can't (never mind whether anyone would employ me) is probably irrelevant to our elected representatives. Anyway. This morning I had two letters from my district council.

In December, the Benefits "Delivery" Centre sent me a cryptic letter saying I'd have to pax tax on my IB of £72.55. I wrote back to the effect, "oh that's nice. Is that what you're paying me now? Oh by the way, you still owe me around £230 of missed payments." So far I haven't heard back, despite a reminder letter. Both sent by recorded delivery.

Mystery solved. Apparently on the 19th February they finally got round to telling my District Council that from 4 December I will be (was) paid the higher rate of IB. Nice of them to tell me too. Anyway, this probably means they have a two month+ backlog. So the DC sent me two letters.

"Because we were not aware at the time of your change in circumstances, you have been paid too much benefit.

Housing benefit: £58.24
Council Tax benefit: £23.04

Of course, they're going to reclaim that. Fair enough.

Then I read on...

You too Can Live on.

"The law says you need £59.15 a week to live on. Because you are receiving > £59.15:
"You lose 20p for every £1 in Council Tax over that amount, and,
"You lose 65p for every £1 in Housing Benefit over that amount."

Now the Crunch.

I'm in "low rent" "social housing", like any good working class white trash.
The eligible weekly rent to begin with is £9.16 less than the rent I pay.

I live in a cheaply built band "A" property, like any good male nonparental waster.
The eligible weekly Council Tax to begin with is £4.37 less than the Council Tax I pay.

But because I'm skiving and living in the lap of luxury, as an enemy of the state costing the government an inordinate amount of money on £72.55 per week...

The weekly amount of Housing Benefit I will get is £17.87 less than the rent I pay.
The weekly amount of Council Tax Benefit I will get is £7.05 less than the Council Tax I pay.

And in punishment for being honest and not going to France each weekend to buy duty free and illegally sell it on, and not working cash-in-hand, this adds up to:

Needing to save a further around £50 per month. Otherwise in around 3 years I will run out of money at this rate. Let's see. What can I save?

Give up a social life. No wait. I don't have one except online.
Give up the Internet. OK. Difficult to keep up in the IT trade I am skilled in, but I could do that.
Give up my phone. OK. Yep. Can do that.
Give up up to 50% of my food, cleaning and washing budget. Yep. I'm sure smelling won't be a problem, since I don't go anywhere. And I'm a little overweight, so I can survive a few weeks on my fat reserves.

Off to Citizens Advice tomorrow to check the figures. Then I guess I'll have to have words with the Disablement Resettlement Officer at the "Job" Centre to look into legally working while on Incapacity Benefit. If anyone will employ someone who can be off two or three days a week. My fault for being ill.

The BBC News and Eastern Daily Press websites are reporting an explosion and fire at Bacton Gas Terminal in Norfolk. This is a major supplier of much of the UK's natural gas supply, including that from the Interconnector pipeline from Europe. Reports are sketchy, and it appears the fire has been contained. However, from my home 4 miles away I can see smoke coming from that direction and a helicopter flying around overhead. Web: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/norfolk/7269868.stm